Can't Fall A Sleep

I hate not being at peace with myself.
It seems like this illness has completely taken over me
My happiness
My relationships with my family, friends and boyfriend
My focus on school
My will to work

My drive to do anything and everything that I love

I remember one time in my life where nothing got in my way.
Where I smiled literally 24/7, even in my sleep!
No one could tell me anything that would bring my spirit down
because I always found something special, something beautiful yet so simple in everything


Now
I'm nothing and everything around me is nothing
I don't hate life and the things that are in it
It's just harder for me to find that simplicity in everything that always made me smile

My love for being around people, even my family has diminished
My love for playing the flute that I played for over 6 years
I haven't picked my flute nor my music up in two years.
My love for art
My oil pastels, my charcoal, my pencil and my eraser
Still all in the closet, it's been that way for 3 years

Nature
Something that I have always have, and still captures my heart
doesn't have my full attention anymore
Those simple slow walks in the woods, around the block
Me admiring everything around me even though I've seen it all
still has my heart

Or maybe that's it
I need to get back
and focus on Nature's energy

I refuse
I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE
to let this illness take over my life and end it so soon
I have way too much to offer and many things I have yet to receive and learn
This negative attitude is not me
It's never been me
I can't and I wont let it run me

Meditation is key!